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Next time you see a child throw a temper tantrum, pay attention. You might just learn something about yourself.

What in the world am I talking about??

Let’s start with some limiting beliefs. It’s probably safe to say:

• Most people see temper tantrums as a negative thing.
• Most adults are uncomfortable in the presence of a temper tantrum.

Sound about right?

Ok, now let’s define what a temper tantrum really is.

From my perspective:

A temper tantrum is an example of how we move emotion fully through our body.

That’s why they seem so intense. All the yelling, screaming and crying is the body’s form of letting out emotion in a very raw and uncontrollable way. By not controlling them, we’re experiencing a full expression of emotion.

This emotion comes from feelings. Typically, a temper tantrum is a mix of anger, fear and sadness.

A child throwing a tantrum in a toy store is a perfect example.

It usually starts as Anger

– Something needs to change – child wants a new toy.

Then it can evolve into Fear

– Something needs to be known – child starts yelling and screaming to make this known.

And then it can evolve into Sadness

– Something needs to be let go of – child starts crying when realizing they won’t get the toy.

And the best part of a temper tantrum?

Once it’s over, it’s over.

Have you ever noticed how young children throw a tantrum and then completely forget about it 5 minutes later? Yep, that’s because they moved all that anger, fear and sadness through their body. There’s nothing left so they’ve shifted their attention elsewhere.

But what do adults do when we experience stress?

We don’t throw a temper tantrum. Nope. We’ve been conditioned to suppress the emotion and keep it buried in our bodies. We block the real feelings and tell ourselves all kinds of stories about why it doesn’t matter, why we shouldn’t be mad/sad/scared, why we should be strong, etc.

Then years later we have an “ah-hah” moment when we realize the trauma and actually feel the real emotion.

And why are we conditioned this way?

Because when we were younger our parents told us not to throw a tantrum! They literally taught us how to NOT feel our feelings.

Why?

Because it made them uncomfortable, like I said in the first place.

It still makes most parents uncomfortable because they’re not in tune with their own emotions. They fear being a parent who’s child throws a tantrum for all kinds of reasons.

Have you ever witnessed a parent who yells back when their kid throws a tantrum? Yep, that’s their anger firing right back, which is usually guarding the real fear (or sadness) deeper inside.

In short, most parents simply lack emotional awareness and intelligence to hold space for a temper tantrum. That’s why it makes them uncomfortable.

Ok, my game of question and answer is over. I appreciate you playing 🙂

I’ll leave you with a few points to consider.

1. Consider a temper tantrum for what it really is, a demonstration of emotions. These emotions can teach us a lot about ourselves.
2. Then consider if we [parents] can actually learn from our children in these moments. Why do we fear being in the presence of real emotions?
3. And finally, consider why you don’t throw tantrums, or why you’re committed to not fully feeling your feelings. What kind of emotion are you suppressing?

Our greatest wisdom often comes from internal understanding.

What do I mean by that?

It’s easy to learn something. Just open a book or have a conversation with a friend about their latest experience. The ability to learn new things is in endless supply.

But that’s not where we really grow.

It’s a kind of growth… but not the kind many of us are looking for. Not the true “personal growth” that many of us crave. Not the internal wisdom that makes us feel most alive.

That kind of growth, real personal growth, only comes from learning new things about ourselves. It comes from a deep understanding of how our world works. It comes from acquiring real internal wisdom.

Real personal growth comes from learning new things about ourselves.

Let me give you a couple examples:

• Learning how pizza is made is fine and logical. Most of us can understand that. However, making a pizza from scratch is a completely different understanding. Being with the ingredients, working through the process of making dough and baking at the correct temperature, and then realizing the actual taste of the end result. That’s a true understanding.
• Hearing about startup stories is exciting. Most of us can understand the general process of starting a new business. However, actually creating a startup is a completely different understanding. Being with the fear and uncertainty, working through the early challenges of product development and marketing, and then realizing actual revenue from your efforts. That’s a true understanding.

So while it’s easy to hear or read something new, it’s an entirely different thing to actually experience it for yourself.

That’s where we gain real wisdom and become free of things.

Why do we need to become free of things?

When we understand something we can become free of it. Free of the questions, fear and uncertainty. By answering the questions, facing the fear, and realizing the uncertainty, we can experience peace. We can experience freedom.

Many of our desires and questions are related to lack of freedom. We become fixed on ideals and chasing things simply because we don’t know what it feels like to actually experience them. This constant pursuit is similar to being stuck in a cage.

For example:

• We chase being wealthy until we have enough money. Yet most of us still feel stuck because true wealth is not gained by having money.
• We chase being liked until we have enough followers. Yet most of us still feel stuck because true friendship is not gained by having clicks.

We can chase things all day long and simulate what others experience as freedom. And we can get really good at this! There are prescriptions and how-to’s for just about everything.

But we will continue to feel stuck… and never feel truly free.

True freedom comes from our own unique experiences. It comes from knowing who we are deep down inside. It comes from self knowledge.

Humans have become a species that fill space.

More specifically, we fill our minds and schedule with things that occupy space. This is part of our modern culture and social conditioning. Take a quick look at the world we live in:

• We have small devices in our pockets that allow us to find information and communicate with others instantly.
• We have immediate access to world news, events and social media as it happens LIVE.
• We pride ourselves in staying busy and active with a never ending checklist of desires.

We have so much access to information and things that we’ve simply forgotten what it’s like to live without them…

Lost are the days of sending a hand written letter or reading the newspaper. That’s simply too slow. We need instant gratification, and we need it now.

Lost are the days of being bored with nothing on our mind. That’s simply too uncomfortable. We need dopamine, and we need it now.

Lost are the days of having open hours in our day with nothing to do. That’s simply too lazy. We need to show the world that we’re achieving things.

But Why?

I think it’s related to our inability to be still and sit with ourselves, which requires space. I think it’s related to our inability to be patient and slow down, which also requires space. I also think it’s a bi-product of the dopamine driven culture we’ve created and accepted, which doesn’t want us to have any space at all.

Let’s look at our typical day:

– Wake up and check our phone instantly. We tell ourselves we’re just checking the time but our mind is anticipating some new notification to check.

– Make a cup of coffee to jumpstart our day and then open a news app or email while we wait. Sitting in silence while coffee brews is not an option.

– Scroll through Instagram while going “number 2.” There’s no way we can have a bowel movement in pure boredom anymore.

– Eat a quick breakfast that can be microwaved or toasted. We don’t have time for a thoughtful meal, plus we’ll have 2-3 more cups of coffee to get us to lunch.

– Hit the gym for a quick workout while listening to a podcast. We didn’t even break a sweat because we paused several times to check text messages.

– On our drive home check Facebook at a stop light to see if we have any notifications in between the last time we checked it (10 min ago).

– Get home and help the kids get ready for school. They shuttle into the car and expect their ipads before they can buckle their seat belts, which they’ve learned from seeing us on our devices. Our mind is spinning on something we read earlier, so there’s no space for actual conversation on this drive.

– Arrive back home and head into the home office. We can now expect 6-8 hours of Zoom meetings, checking email, scrolling social media and staying distracted. We get up once or twice to use the bathroom and grab a snack. We had a meeting scheduled during lunch so there was no time to really eat.

– The kids get home and there’s a 10-minute window before getting back in the car for soccer practice. This was scheduled back-to-back with no time for a nap or rest.

– We get to soccer practice and none of the parents actually talk or communicate beyond a quick hello. That’s too awkward. It’s way more comfortable to just put some earbuds in or act like we’re reading a super important article (a.k.a. playing Candy Crush).

I’m not going to finish this day because I think you get the point…

By the time we reach the end of our day we’re exhausted. Our conditioning for staying active and distracted has sucked all the space out of our lives. There’s simply nothing left.

We don’t schedule space, we schedule THINGS to occupy space.

My schedule does not currently reflect that typical day, but it did at one point. And that’s exactly how I experienced burnout.

What was the common denominator?

I had no space. I was filling my life with distractions, commitments and things to do.

I didn’t have space to be still or stay bored. I didn’t understand how to go slow. I had one gear and a full schedule. As a result, I was basically running on fumes and it caught up with me. Burnout was a nasty thing that helped me realize rock bottom. An emotional abyss with no sense of purpose or direction.

Today things are different.

Hitting rock bottom was also the lesson I needed. It forced me to look at my priorities and lifestyle in a new way. So I took time to study how our minds work. I practiced slowing down and removing things from my schedule. I simplified my commitments and started building space into my day. For example:

• I start my day in silence.
• I rarely have my phone by me, and check it a few times throughout the day.
• I don’t watch the news or consume any form of mainstream media.
• I walk or run (alone) every day.
• I write, record and journal every week to nurture my inner creator.
• I say no to most things that are not a “whole body YES.”
• I limit the amount of meetings I can join in a week.
• I check out out of work around 5pm every day.
• I take my time with work and meaningful projects.
• I generally go slow and avoid things that fill space too fast.

As a result, I’ve realized a new level of internal peace and awareness. I learned that filling my mind and schedule with more things was no longer serving me. I operate better and show up more authentically when I have space.

The rest of the world still moves fast and chases more things, which is totally fine for them. However, I see a lot of stress, anxiety and burnout happening. I see people running on fumes with no awareness to even realize it.

I see a global culture that’s suffocating from lack of space.

What about you?

Are you hooked on filling space? Do you pack your schedule with things to stay busy and feel good? Are you truly exhausted inside?

If so, the answer might be to create a little more space.

Projections are all the rage in human interaction. Yet most of us rarely even realize we’re projecting.

Before we dig into this hidden piece of psychology, let’s give some context to what a projection is.

According to Karen R. Koenig, M. Ed, LCSW, projection refers to: unconsciously taking unwanted emotions or traits you don’t like about yourself and attributing them to someone else.

While I understand this definition, it’s focused on “negative” perceptions of projecting. I’d like to revise the definition in my own terminology to be more neutral and accepting.

Here’s my definition of projecting:

Unconsciously attributing your own emotions onto someone else.

From my perspective, this is neither good or bad. It’s not a positive or negative thing. It’s simply projecting your emotions.

Let’s look at a few examples of projections:

1. You yell at your kids for making a mess.

They destroyed the living room in acts of absolute chaos. You get triggered and your reaction is to yell and scold them for making such a mess.

This is a form of projecting. You’re projecting your subconscious ANGER onto them, as if you are the one who has to clean up the mess. The act of cleaning up messes has likely caused lots of frustration in your own life, which is why it creates anger for you.

It’s not your mess, it’s their mess.

2. You tell your sibling they need to grow up and get a job.

They’ve lived a fairly nomadic lifestyle, much different from yours. They don’t worry about money and seem to get by with odd jobs. You lecture them on why it’s important that they find a real job and build a career.

This is also a form of projecting. You’re projecting your subconscious FEAR onto them, as if you are the one without a steady job and paycheck. That possibility scares you because you value the certainty and stability you’ve achieved in your own life.

It’s not your life, it’s their life.

3. You tell your parents they need to lose weight.

They’ve put on a bit of weight as they’ve gotten older and it’s become noticeable. Their diet is not great and they rarely exercise, so you decide to lecture them on how they should change things.

Another solid projection here. It’s easy to think you want to help but under the hood you’re projecting your subconscious ANGER and FEAR onto them. You may be angry that your parents aren’t valuing your advice. You’ve lived a healthy lifestyle and don’t like the thought of them not being able to realize similar results. You may also be scared that your parents’ health will decline quickly if they take no action. It scares you to think about your life without your parents.

It’s not your health, it’s theirs.

See how all of these examples have nothing to do with you, yet you make them about you by projecting?

Anger and Fear are powerful emotions that fuel most of our projections. It’s also completely natural to project from these emotions. While it’s easy to perceive these as “negative” interactions, as stated earlier, I think they’re simply a reflection of being human. It’s a form of attempted empathy. We want to sit in someone’s scenario and then give them our take. Virtually all of us have instances of anger and fear in our lives.

Projecting from Ego

In addition, we can also project from a place of pride or ego. These projections come in the form of mentorship, advice and general counsel from our own experiences.

Let’s look at a quick example:

You give a friend business advice.

Your friend is having challenges with their business. They know you’ve grown a successful business so they ask you for advice, which you share willingly.

There’s no anger or fear here, but rather a desire to serve. You’re projecting how you would handle the situation from realized experience in your own life.

It’s not your business, it’s theirs.

How to avoid projections?

Avoiding projections is actually quite difficult. Many of us project every day in our interactions with others, and it’s simply a part of how we communicate. Avoiding it all together is unlikely for most of us. However, there is a way to decrease how much we project.

The way to avoid projecting is to ask questions and hold space.

In other words, replace your thoughts and feelings with a question. Any of the examples I shared above could be reversed into questions.

For example:

• Instead of giving your friend business advice, ask them where they think their business is most challenged?
• Instead of telling your parents to lose weight, ask them if they feel healthy right now?

Asking questions is a form of holding space. It’s easy to share our thoughts and feeling around a topic (projecting), but it’s more challenging to hold space for it (questioning).

Why hold space?

Most of us already have the answers to our questions and problems. We simply need someone to hold space for us to find them. Finding our own answers and truth is more effective than following someone’s projection. Why? Because following someone else’s projection is not living authentically, but rather living vicariously through them.

I believe this is one of the biggest human issues. We spend so much energy trying to be like other people, emulating their lives, and striving for their status. Then years later we do some soul searching to realize we never truly wanted their life. We just want to show up as ourselves.

We are also more receptive to finding our own solutions than hearing them projected from someone else. Most of us would rather feel empowered to solve our own problems versus relying on someone else. This is why we’re resistant to coaching and therapy. It’s not in our nature to rely on someone else. It’s in our nature to find our own way. A great coach or therapist helps us find our way.

So when possible, think about how you might hold space next time you’re about to project.

Have you ever met someone that seemed like they were putting on a show? Or better yet, have you been that person that said something that didn’t feel true to you?

I’ve been that person. I’ve worn “masks” to act like I’m something other than my true self.

I didn’t even realize I was wearing masks until recently. I used to think this was just how you’re supposed to fit into society. You gain external validation by pleasing others, instead of pleasing yourself. You take on identities that serve this external validation. This is the core recipe for wearing masks.

Accumulating the masks

It all started for me in junior high. I remember the day I changed lunch tables to sit with the “cool kids.” I left my friends and current status for a new set of friends and status. Little did I know that would change the trajectory of my life. This was the first major mask I put on.

In high school I added more masks. Most of them related to partying, being liked, acting tough… anything to preserve the social status I had gained. Most of the actions I took in high school were not authentic to my true self. In fact, I threw away my love and talent for soccer because of these masks. I was simply too blind to see it at the time.

Then in college I acquired a few new masks. I learned to work hard, play hard, and then enjoy the social pleasures that college has to offer. I drove my dad’s old Mercedez-benz and thought I was “so tight” as we used to say.

In my 20’s and 30’s I continued to picked up masks. I became consumed with entrepreneurship. The competition of business and status games took center stage in my life, and I got good at playing the role. I attained the things most people want. From the outside, these masks made me super successful.

However, on the inside, these masks made me miserable.

I got lost in a state of confusion and turmoil. Some call it a mid-life crisis. I call it emptiness. Regardless of the name, it was clear that all the masks had gotten the best of me. They buried my soul, blocked my heart and took over my mind.

Removing the masks

Luckily, I became aware of this and started a journey to find my way back to self. I started removing masks which was scary, uncomfortable and painful. It’s wasn’t easy to undo things that people liked or valued about me…

But realizing my truth was more important than what others wanted. So I did my work. I got clear on the masks that needed to go.

Now I’m able to show up more authentically and spot the masks before I try them on. I’m able to live life on my terms with less dependency on what others think. I’m designing a life that supports who I really am.

After all this mask wearing I’ve found clarity in my true self.

• I’m an introvert. I like to be with myself most of the time, but enjoy others in moderation.
• I’m an athlete. Give me a sport with some rules and I’ll get lost in my passion for play.
• I’m an artist. I see the world in shapes, colors and balance.
• I’m a builder. I can create beautiful things when given space and freedom.
• I’m an explorer. I thrive in new environments and experiences with nature.
• I’m a guide. I like the challenge and responsibility of helping others find where they want to go.
• I’m an author. I get energy from creating and sharing content, especially if it helps people in some way.
• I’m a family man. I love doing life with my family and supporting them on their own journeys.

These aren’t masks, these are part of my core identity. They are the labels that define who I am today and what lights me up. They give me purpose and courage.

But all that other stuff… the identities wrapped up in the masks… no thanks. I’m done with that. And if someone doesn’t like or see me for who I am, they can take a hike. That’s their issue, not mine.

I’m also done investing time and energy into people who still wear masks. Take the status games somewhere else, please. I’m not interested in your latest and greatest performance. I’m interested in who you truly are.

What about you?

Are you still wearing masks or showing up authentically?